Are you struggling with your love life in middle age? You're not alone. Here is an opinion from 60 years ago that still rings true.

By Margaret Culkin Banning

Excerpt in Reader’s Digest, 1952

The young man taking his seat on the airplane noted carelessly that the motherly-looking woman by the window was deep in thought, and that the old fellow across the aisle—he was at least 60—looked half asleep. Well, said the young man to himself, when you get to be old, at least you don’t have all this woman trouble I have.

He did not know that the woman was on her way to buy a trousseau for her wedding and was planning it with delight. He had no idea that the man across the aisle was dreaming with excitement of the coming reunion with his middle-aged wife, whom he had not seen for two lonesome weeks. If the young man had been told these things he probably would have said in derisive astonishment, “The old fools!”

But they were happier than he was. They had learned how to manage the problems of sex life which were bewildering and torturing him. They knew far more about the generosities and skills of love. They were aware of their own capacities, able to give happiness and to get it in return. They were far from being “old fools”; their desires and plans were both normal and sensible.

Today, as life expectancy has grown longer, the scientific study of the later years has become increasingly intensive. All kinds of ways to occupy the minds and abilities of those past middle age are being explored in an effort to prevent unhappiness. But too often the problem that interests people most deeply, their own human relations and the continuance of their sex life, is left to conjecture, wishful thinking or worry. Are the post-childbearing years also a post-sexual period? Many people are unsure.

In this area of human behavior, ignorance and shame can do as great harm in maturity as in adolescence. It is constantly revealed to doctors that many women believe sex life is wrong, unhappy or shameful after the menopause; that many men believe their powers will fail before they attain normal life expectancy.

These two misconceptions have resulted in jealousy, cruelty, and infidelity, and have wrecked many happy marriages. There is no reason why they should continue to do so, for a great deal of authoritative information is available that should destroy such worries and fears.

There is no sin, no worn, no outrage in long-continued sex life in marriage. Says Dr. Leland Foster Wood, secretary for the Committee on Marriage and the Home of the Federal Council of Churches: “For both husbands and wives who fully understand the meaning of marriage and the interrelationships between the physical, emotional, and spiritual factors, the sex relationship after the menopause can still be a rich and rewarding expression of love.”

The Catholic religion concurs. A statement that is attributed to A. Ballerini, professor at the Catholic Gregorian University in Rome, says explicitly: “Married people are at liberty to make use of their marital rights even when the wife can no longer conceive because of age.”

In The Changing Years, Madeline Gray writes: “For those of the Jewish faith, sex communion between the husband and wife from the celebration of marriage until death is a ritual and a trust.”

Woman’s sex desire after the menopause is generally about the same as before, and in some cases actually increases. The late Dr. Frederic Loomis, in his book Consultation Room, stated, “There is a definite upward surge in the sexual lives of many women at 40, or 45 or even 50—a recrudescence of the flame that has perhaps been dimmed by work or worry.”  With the fear of pregnancy removed, many women enjoy sex life more than at any other time during their marriage. Their families are complete, and they can offer their husbands love without the thought of the increased responsibility it can bring.

As for the man, his fears of losing his sex capacities are usually needless. Dr. Miriam Lincoln writes, “Nature has endowed the male with an almost lifetime possession of physical ability and emotional interest.” Dr. Edmund Bergler, an authority in the field of impotence, says, “Sexual activity stabilizes itself in the late 30’s or early 40’s on a moderate level and remains more or less unchanged until the late 60’s or early 70’s, provided organic disease does not occur.”

Nor do operations such as hysterectomies or removal of the prostate gland result in loss of either sex interest or enjoyment, medical authorities point out.

Men especially need these statements and reassurances. For with men the fear of growing old is, as a rule, inextricably and subtly tied up with reluctance or abandon, or to be thought incapable of, sexual activity. This last is a matter of the deepest masculine pride.

True sexual happiness is not to be found, however, merely because religious and medical authorities say it is possible. This happiness is an intangible and mysterious thing; it is based on physical unity but it must draw the physical aspect into mental and spiritual areas if it is to take root and grow. Too often a sense of unsuitability surrounds middle-aged love, particularly among women. That this is so is largely the fault of misunderstanding among older people themselves.

You’ve often heard a member of the older generation call another an old fool when a man of 60 married again or a grandmother took a new husband. In such mockery, however, there is usually a note of jealousy.  “At her age…” they will say derisively—but a sharp ear can hear the envy.

Many older people are, in fact, fools in their attempts to retain the benefits and pleasures of continuing sex life. Because, secretly, they believe that these belong to youth, they try to falsify their own ages.  They become absurd in appearance and in conduct. They deliberately fall out of their own generation and try to find room in a younger one. But they deceive nobody for long and only exhaust themselves trying to compete with the energies of youth. There are far better ways to achieve what they basically want, and mature men and women are beginning to find them out. F. Hugh Herbert says in his play The Vintage Years: “Aren’t there lots of things that mellow and get better with the years? To the years ahead for us—the vintage years!”

Dr. Bergler has said: “There is no time limit on sex.” This is what every one should be taught, and as early in life as possible.

On this foundation each person can fearlessly and honestly build his or her own sex life. The activity will vary with the passing of time, but it need never degenerate. For as sex accompanies later life, it becomes wiser, more informed, less selfish and less crude. It may be physically less beautiful at 60 but it can be even lovelier emotionally.  It relates itself to philosophy as well as to poetry and therefore is less dependent on appearance and more dependent on character.

“Sex,” wrote D. H. Lawrence, “means the whole relationship between men and women. The relationship is a lifelong change and a lifelong traveling. At periods sex desire itself departs completely. Yet the flow of the relationship goes on all the same, undying, and lasts a lifetime.”

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This article took me by surprise. What a contrast to the folksy tale that preceded it! Progressive for 1950, don't you think? This is "Mad Men" timeframe after all and way before women's lib. It is written by a woman and very modern. Way cool in my book.

Granted, it's a little dated with words like "trousseau," but I think Banning's arguments are still valid. Do you think an active sex life in middle age is one of the keys to happiness?

Let's consider her points from the male and female perspective.

Women...

Are you embarrassed about sex in middle age? Does it seem improper to you? I think the phenomenon of "cougars" acknowledges that middle age women have sexual desire, but I think women like Demi Moore and Nicole Kidman are still considered an aberration. Kutchner's departure from Demi is also a little disheartening.  The rich and famous aside, do you think society considers sex during middle age “foolish.”

With effective birth control, is it still true that sex after menopause brings a sense of freedom "without the thought of the increased responsibility it can bring?" Do you feel more uninhibited with the pressure of procreation over with?

Now that our bodies have changed with child-bearing and age, are you more self-conscious about taking off your clothes? Or do you feel liberated? Do you feel more or less sexy than in youth? Are you one of those women who "believe that [sex] belongs exclusively to youth?" Do you try to falsify your age with "absurd appearance and conduct." I know a few women who dress more like their teenage daughters than like mothers. Do you condemn or embrace that approach?

Men…

Do you fear impotence with age? Is potency "inextricably and subtly tied up" with your masculine pride? Has the potency of Hugh Heffner encouraged you? Has Bob Dole's endorsement of Viagra lessened that fear? Do you feel pressure to remain sexually active in order to feel male?

If your spouse didn't share your interest in sex, would it put a strain on your marriage and monogamy?

Men and Women…

Are we brave enough in the 21st century to talk about this? Come on, we can't let Reader's Digest circa 1950 be more upfront about the issue than we are... let me know what you think.

Cathy





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Cathryn's Blog

I'm currently blogging about a book I found at a used book sale run by AAUW: Keys to Happiness published in the 1950's by Readers Digest.

Fifty years later many think fondly of the 1950s as America's Golden Age. We emerged from World War II as the wealthiest and most powerful nation on the planet.  Jobs were plentiful, housing costs were low, and new technological inventions were making every task in life easier.

And yet... people were still yearning for a key to happiness. Keys to Happiness has essays from athletes, religious leaders, business tycoons, and a few women who share how they find happiness.

You are sure to find something here that resonates with you!